Trinity Dejavu

After a long and tortuous trip I’m now back in England in one piece … well, physically anyway.

I’ve left heart and my home in Olympia. I miss Miya and Sarah so much, I’m trying to put a strong face on things but inside I’m screaming. I’ve not been able to get more than a few hours sleep at any time, if I don’t cry myself to sleep I wake racked with grief. I keep expecting to see them just walk in or when I look up from my laptop, and when I don’t it breaks my heart.

I don’t know how long I have to live in exile, I don’t know when I will see them again and its killing me.

Following my encounter with Garcia when I first landed in the US, I was worried he had put stuff in my file that would make future trips much harder than they should be. On the way back my fears were realised. My checked luggage was searched at every airport in the US I passed through, seems the TSA have me on their lists. I’m terrified I will try to go back to the US and find I’ve been red flagged, get taken for an interview only to be turned away and flown home. All because I’m trans and Garcia doesn’t like trans.

Being back in the village I grew up isn’t comfortable for me. Went out to the pub for a meal to celebrate my Dad’s birthday,feeling shattered and jet lagged I decided to walk home before everyone else. Big mistake. Walking the familiar streets home I felt more afraid for my own safety than I have in many years, more terrified than I have ever been at any time during my transition.

When I was a teenager I was beaten frequently for having long hair and looking girly, several times it happened as little as 50 metres from my front door. I remember being so scared that I wouldn’t leave the house on foot, and walking home has brought all those memories flooding back.

I know most of the people responsible will have moved on years ago, I know I shouldn’t be as afraid as I am, but I don’t feel safe here out alone. Don’t think I ever will.

Ok, so this update is a little late but I wanted to get my pictures up to go with it and I’ve been bogged down with SL5B (more on that in another post).

We left Pheonix about 10pm Sunday for Olympia, the car was packed to the gills and we still had to leave quite a lot of stuff behind. The route was very simple, west to the I5 and then North.

The intention to get through the worst of the desert during the night. It was boiling anyway, I am so glad we didn’t do that during the day when it’s over 120F. We split the driving into shifts, one drove while the other slept, my job was to make sure they were always awake at the wheel!

California is a boring place. Its flat and mostly made of yellow.

We ran over a plastic cup or something on the freeway and it fley up into the engine bay and ripped through some wires. After one stop to replace blown fuses (that promptly blew again) we pulled up besides a Texaco gas station for a rest. I couldn’t sleep in the car so got out and put a blanket on the ground and it was a good job I did! Spotted wires hanging from under the car!

Had to pop the hood and tape the broken wires off. Fixed the short so the fuses didnt blow again, thankfully it was just the front side indicator and screen wash pump that was affected. Just as we were finishing a state trouper swung by (seems those inside had called the cops), he was happy enough that we were finished and about to leave :)

We arrived in Olmypia in the early morning. 30 hours driving total with only a few hours stopped when we had to. Went to Walmart, Sarah’s parents house, sleep.. sleeeeep …. sleeeeeeeep.

Landing in Atlanta was bouncy on the way in, but there is nothing like the feeling when the plane stops on solid ground. The plane is running late but we have a few hours before our connecting flight.

The next two hours were probably the worst of my life. Because of the length of my visit without a visa (89 days, right up to the very limit) and not doing the usual tourist thing – my passport was placed in an orange folder and I was taken for an interview. There were about 20 people waiting for their entry to be cleared when I arrived, a single desk with two immigration officers and voices that carry.

An hour later my turn came up and I ended up with officer Garcia, who, having watched knew to be a slime ball. He wanted to know why I didnt have my return plane tickets (that you don’t get till you check in on the day your’re about to fly), what I was doing in the US, why I didn’t have enough cash in my purse to last 3 months, who I was staying with and on and on and on.

He decided to rummage in my bag and look through all the photo’s on my digital camera. Not good. I had foolishly not deleted all the pictures before I flew (some of which were VERY personal). He took the camera to the back room, ten mins later he invited a collegue to come in and have a look, ten mins later he came out still looking!

Decided to look through my laptop but thankfully I don’t think computers were his thing.

Then he found my change of name documents and birth certificate and his attitude went from bad to downright sour. Eventully after a lot of typing he said..

“Against my better judgement and as its your first time here, I’m going to let you enter the US”

OMG – SInce when did entering the US depend on a clerc’s better judgement!! I really hope all the shit he has typed on my file doesn’t impact future visa requests.

I was in shock. I took my stuff and got out of there as quicly as I could to meet up with miya and Sarah. It felt like my world had just split in two and half of me was going back to the UK.

I never never never ever want to find my life in the hands of some random guy again.

The rest of the journey I was drained, on the flight to Phoenix was next to the emergency exit and it was drafty, spent the whole trip with miya curled up in my lap dozing. Next stop Arizona.

To be continued…

;

I’m writing this on the plane with miya looking over my shoulder, she’s board (lawl), so please excuse a lower than normal amount of spelling mistakes, grammatical gaffs and general dyslexia.

After a few hectic days of packing and giving things away, the last 31 years of my life has been reduced to two suitcases, a laptop bag and a couple of boxes in my parents loft (mostly books). It has been heart wrenching at times to have to go through everything and decide what I would keep and what was sold or given away. To give an idea of the volume of stuff to go through; I was living in a 3 bedroom house, chock full of all the things you would expect. Of everything I will miss my kitchen and sofa the most.

Leaving the place I’ve called home for the last five years wasn’t as hard as I had feared, maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet. The people I loved there is another matter. Every room in that house has so many memories of us all living together, a constant reminder of days passed. Many times I’ve found myself lurching from room to room breaking my heart as the memories come flooding back. Being with my wife, the sound of Zoe playing, decorating with Daizy. Staying in that house for so long after everyone moved on has made their parting so much harder.

I love you all so much, not being near you is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I need to stop crying over what has passed and relearn to look forward.

We arrived at Manchester at 7am, a whole hour ahead of when we needed to be here due to problems getting a later taxi, then we find out our plane was delayed. Fast forward 5 hours and we finally got going an in the air. The flight has been uneventful so far (crosses fingers), the staff are nice and the meal was ok, soft and mushy, but good. The entertainment is dire, shared video screens that turn everyone a healthy umpa-lumpa orange, more static than sound over the headphones and no chance of sleeping. Ah well, could be worse.

We land in Atlanta in a few hours time, then some waiting, then another four hours in the air to Phoenix and I only have an hour of battery life left. Sigh, hopefully I can find some power and wifi when we land.

To be continued….