Back in England :(
After a long and tortuous trip I'm now back in England in one piece ... well, physically anyway.
I've left heart and my home in Olympia. I miss Miya and Sarah so much, I'm trying to put a strong face on things but inside I'm screaming. I've not been able to get more than a few hours sleep at any time, if I don't cry myself to sleep I wake racked with grief. I keep expecting to see them just walk in or when I look up from my laptop, and when I don't it breaks my heart.
I don't know how long I have to live in exile, I don't know when I will see them again and its killing me.
Following my encounter with Garcia when I first landed in the US, I was worried he had put stuff in my file that would make future trips much harder than they should be. On the way back my fears were realised. My checked luggage was searched at every airport in the US I passed through, seems the TSA have me on their lists. I'm terrified I will try to go back to the US and find I've been red flagged, get taken for an interview only to be turned away and flown home. All because I'm trans and Garcia doesn't like trans.
Being back in the village I grew up isn't comfortable for me. Went out to the pub for a meal to celebrate my Dad's birthday,feeling shattered and jet lagged I decided to walk home before everyone else. Big mistake. Walking the familiar streets home I felt more afraid for my own safety than I have in many years, more terrified than I have ever been at any time during my transition.
When I was a teenager I was beaten frequently for having long hair and looking girly, several times it happened as little as 50 metres from my front door. I remember being so scared that I wouldn't leave the house on foot, and walking home has brought all those memories flooding back.
I know most of the people responsible will have moved on years ago, I know I shouldn't be as afraid as I am, but I don't feel safe here out alone. Don't think I ever will.
US Trans Immigration Help!
We're in desperate need of any help and advice, if anyone knows of similar cases can you please get in touch (trinity.deja at googlemail.com), via Trinity Dejavu in Secondlife or trinity0002d on YIM.
I'm a uk cit, pre-op male to female transexual, I have had no surgery at this point and have been living full time for the last 2 years.
I changed my name and title in the UK 2 years ago by deed poll then when applied for a passport the UK office asked for a letter concerning my op status. My GP wrote me a letter saying "to the best of my knowledge, this person intends to transition fully" this got me a F gender marker on my passport.
My birth certificate stills says M.
I wish to marry my US born female partner and immigrate to live together in the US.
Can we do this? (as im still M everywhere except passprt)
Will I be treated as M or F for marriage and immigration purposes? Will I be seen as M for one and F for the other?
I really need all the help I can get on this, were tearing our hair out not knowing if we can stay together. We dont want to live in the UK (even though that would be simpler).
Update : To Rachel who commented below, Please get in touch - We really need to talk to the people involved as there case could really help us.
rachel
July 20th, 2008 01:11 elong story short, according to my friend Nikki who did the same. You’re still federally considered male as your birth cert says so. You can legally marry her due to the above. Nikki did the same.
Likewise, we need contact information for people with similar cases, this would be an amazing help!
Brrrr!!! It’s FREEZING :D
Ok, so this update is a little late but I wanted to get my pictures up to go with it and I've been bogged down with SL5B (more on that in another post).
We left Pheonix about 10pm Sunday for Olympia, the car was packed to the gills and we still had to leave quite a lot of stuff behind. The route was very simple, west to the I5 and then North.
The intention to get through the worst of the desert during the night. It was boiling anyway, I am so glad we didn't do that during the day when it's over 120F. We split the driving into shifts, one drove while the other slept, my job was to make sure they were always awake at the wheel!
California is a boring place. Its flat and mostly made of yellow.
We ran over a plastic cup or something on the freeway and it fley up into the engine bay and ripped through some wires. After one stop to replace blown fuses (that promptly blew again) we pulled up besides a Texaco gas station for a rest. I couldn't sleep in the car so got out and put a blanket on the ground and it was a good job I did! Spotted wires hanging from under the car!
Had to pop the hood and tape the broken wires off. Fixed the short so the fuses didnt blow again, thankfully it was just the front side indicator and screen wash pump that was affected. Just as we were finishing a state trouper swung by (seems those inside had called the cops), he was happy enough that we were finished and about to leave :)
We arrived in Olmypia in the early morning. 30 hours driving total with only a few hours stopped when we had to. Went to Walmart, Sarah's parents house, sleep.. sleeeeep .... sleeeeeeeep.
Miyabina Ann Susanti
Today we went to the courts for a name change hearing for Miya. We had to wait a while for the commissioner to get to name changes. Interesting (if not a little voyeristic) sitting in the court room listening to other people request restraining orders, typically against abusive men, or in one case a woman wanting a restraining order because she had argued that morning with her husband and suspected he was getting one against her.
Eventually Miya went up, said her old name for the last time, the judge asked a couple of the usual questions, pronounced her new name correctly and all done. Subway veggie delite after to celibrate (omg yum!!).
YAY !!!!!
BTW, it's pronounced mee-ya-bee-na :)
Happy Birthday Baby!!!
I love you more than I can say, my love, my life, my pet, my everything. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
The folks at the TGL organised a suprise party, you can see my pic's on flickr here, and Caitlyn's here.
Jim and Sarah came over and we all went out for a family meal to Three Margaritas, miya had something very weird, I discovered mushooms were yummy. Sang happy birthday and her mom called her miya, played on a ATARI 2600 flashback retro games console miya got for her birthday followed by Apples to Apples. We all had a really fun day. Big thank you to everyone who made it happen :)
On behalf of everyone I hope you have the best year yet, love you.
Diary of my Dreams
I've been toying with the idea of writing my dreams down for years, just another one of those things that come bedtime I've forgotten about, no biggie, I don't remember my dreams anyway, never have.
Now my dreams stick with me for days and I can't shake them. Fears, uncertainty and memories mingle exposing the fragility of things taken for granted. Hopes and desires papering the cracks fall away like tissue paper leaving me hollow. More often than not I wake wet with tears and if I don't, the memories dragged back into focus reach into my heart and pull with such force that I can't stop.
The following are just summaries, all I can bare to commit into writing.
The first dream I've left the US and I'm unable to go back, something happens to miya in my absence and I can't comeback to say goodbye. When I finally do many months later I visit her parents home and see her ashes in a tin on the side. Sarah isn't here either, I need her and don't know where she is. My heart is broken, ripped from my body smashed into a despair so intense that I take miya upstairs, open the tin and cut my wrists over her cremated remains. I give her my life in the hope she will live again and we will be together forever.
In the second I'm out shopping with Zoe (my daughter, 7), we're inside a sprawling makeshift building with many rooms and staircases in every direction each with people selling everything you can imagine, things layed out on tables and colorful blankets. It feels like a carboot sale or market. Zoe is excited and difficult to control, I have to keep chasing her from place to place, telling her not to touch, telling her there are things she can't have or doesn't have the money for. My exwife is here but she doesn't look well, here face is tired and looks thin. She needs to find something but I'm distracted with Zoe and can't help her.
I wake, it's very early and I lay in bed crying and trying to clear my head. Sarah and miya are here with me asleep. I know I should wake them but I wont. The sounds of them sleeping are soothing and bring a smile to my face, Let them sleep, just for a little longer.
I'm ok, just dreams, I still don't remember them most days, I think that's for the best.
Trip to Flagstaff
We took a trip up to Flagstaff yesterday to test the car as much as anything else. It's amazing how the climate alters within only a couple of hours from Phoenix! Flagstaff was freezing cold with puddles of water from recent rainfall, lots of green and trees and a rather nice mall.
We thought about going to the lowell observatory while we were there, but apparently its closed after dark. Likewise, the Grand Canyon is out once the sun has gone down, ah well, we will be back up in about a week or so for those things anyway :)
In other news we went to the court this morning to sort out miya's legal change of name, all sorted, just have to wait till the 30th to go back and get it finished. It's a bit of a nightmare compared to doing it in the UK.
New Diet
It's been almost a week since miya and I decided to go vegetarian, for the most part we have been recovering from our tongue piercings so somewhat restricted in the kind of food we can consume anyway (noodles and soup!). So far the only bad experience on our new diet was a packet of TVP based chilli *shudder*.
Today we had the tongue barbell replaced with a shorter one (wow! I can talk and eat again!) and went for a celebratory Subway. OMG! A Veggie DeLite with everything on was simply the most amazing sandwich I have ever tasted! Even simple salad veg that only a week ago I would have refused as being yukky are now amazingly juicy and flavorful.
Fair to say we went vegetarian for one reason and will stay vegetarian for another - It's YUMMY!!
Time For a Change
Following on from news of my redundancy a few days ago, I got home from work feeling more than a little depressed. I had emailed the news home as soon as I knew it and spent the rest of the day worrying about the short term future, how to survive on what I would have as an income is something that filled me with dread. It's been tight at the best of times balancing my income, credit card debts, rent, taxes, bills and food.
We (myself, miya and Sarah) had always planned to go to the US in mid to late June (at the end of their allowed tourist stay in the UK). The plan was to have all the required paper work in place so that I could change my status in the US and remain there to stay. So it was with some surprise that I was greeted with smiles and optomism when I arrived home after work. Upon hearing of my redundancy they had been busy working out a solution.
We're leaving for the US at the end of April, I will stay there for 3 months on the visa waiver program (basically tourist, with no option to change status on that trip). By the end of the 3 months we hope to be settled somewhere in Washington (state, not capitol) and I will return to the UK in time for my daughters birthday. During that time we hope to have everything sorted out so that on my return to the US at the end of August I can enter the country on a visa that will allow me to stay.
I've given notice on my rented property and am working to offload everything I can't take with me, which is pretty much everything!
In future I will try harder to work past my problems, try harder to treat adversity as a challenge and try harder not to slip into self defeating depression. Its not easy, especially while trying to get my mind back together after two years on anti-depressants, but I'm getting there with the help of my friends and new family.
Thank you all so much for showing me that even on the worst days there is always hope.
Oh noes, holes in me too!!
Went and got my lip pierced with my pet Miyabina yesterday, will have some pics in a couple of days as its still a bit swollen. YAY :D