Forgive me
You did nothing wrong, but there was nothing right that we could do, and I couldn't let my heart be torn open again. I broke the cycle and for ripping your world apart in the process I am mortified. I wish .. so many things.
Hate me if you need to, look forward now because you can, because I'm not holding you back, because you have to.
I will always care, and always worry, and always dream that one day you can forgive me. I'm crying, and when I think of you, I always will.
Back in England :(
After a long and tortuous trip I'm now back in England in one piece ... well, physically anyway.
I've left heart and my home in Olympia. I miss Miya and Sarah so much, I'm trying to put a strong face on things but inside I'm screaming. I've not been able to get more than a few hours sleep at any time, if I don't cry myself to sleep I wake racked with grief. I keep expecting to see them just walk in or when I look up from my laptop, and when I don't it breaks my heart.
I don't know how long I have to live in exile, I don't know when I will see them again and its killing me.
Following my encounter with Garcia when I first landed in the US, I was worried he had put stuff in my file that would make future trips much harder than they should be. On the way back my fears were realised. My checked luggage was searched at every airport in the US I passed through, seems the TSA have me on their lists. I'm terrified I will try to go back to the US and find I've been red flagged, get taken for an interview only to be turned away and flown home. All because I'm trans and Garcia doesn't like trans.
Being back in the village I grew up isn't comfortable for me. Went out to the pub for a meal to celebrate my Dad's birthday,feeling shattered and jet lagged I decided to walk home before everyone else. Big mistake. Walking the familiar streets home I felt more afraid for my own safety than I have in many years, more terrified than I have ever been at any time during my transition.
When I was a teenager I was beaten frequently for having long hair and looking girly, several times it happened as little as 50 metres from my front door. I remember being so scared that I wouldn't leave the house on foot, and walking home has brought all those memories flooding back.
I know most of the people responsible will have moved on years ago, I know I shouldn't be as afraid as I am, but I don't feel safe here out alone. Don't think I ever will.
US Trans Immigration Help!
We're in desperate need of any help and advice, if anyone knows of similar cases can you please get in touch (trinity.deja at googlemail.com), via Trinity Dejavu in Secondlife or trinity0002d on YIM.
I'm a uk cit, pre-op male to female transexual, I have had no surgery at this point and have been living full time for the last 2 years.
I changed my name and title in the UK 2 years ago by deed poll then when applied for a passport the UK office asked for a letter concerning my op status. My GP wrote me a letter saying "to the best of my knowledge, this person intends to transition fully" this got me a F gender marker on my passport.
My birth certificate stills says M.
I wish to marry my US born female partner and immigrate to live together in the US.
Can we do this? (as im still M everywhere except passprt)
Will I be treated as M or F for marriage and immigration purposes? Will I be seen as M for one and F for the other?
I really need all the help I can get on this, were tearing our hair out not knowing if we can stay together. We dont want to live in the UK (even though that would be simpler).
Update : To Rachel who commented below, Please get in touch - We really need to talk to the people involved as there case could really help us.
rachel
July 20th, 2008 01:11 elong story short, according to my friend Nikki who did the same. You’re still federally considered male as your birth cert says so. You can legally marry her due to the above. Nikki did the same.
Likewise, we need contact information for people with similar cases, this would be an amazing help!
Hatched and then gone :(
It looks like someone came and emptied the nest. No trace of chick, eggs, feathers, nothing.
:(
Diary of my Dreams
I've been toying with the idea of writing my dreams down for years, just another one of those things that come bedtime I've forgotten about, no biggie, I don't remember my dreams anyway, never have.
Now my dreams stick with me for days and I can't shake them. Fears, uncertainty and memories mingle exposing the fragility of things taken for granted. Hopes and desires papering the cracks fall away like tissue paper leaving me hollow. More often than not I wake wet with tears and if I don't, the memories dragged back into focus reach into my heart and pull with such force that I can't stop.
The following are just summaries, all I can bare to commit into writing.
The first dream I've left the US and I'm unable to go back, something happens to miya in my absence and I can't comeback to say goodbye. When I finally do many months later I visit her parents home and see her ashes in a tin on the side. Sarah isn't here either, I need her and don't know where she is. My heart is broken, ripped from my body smashed into a despair so intense that I take miya upstairs, open the tin and cut my wrists over her cremated remains. I give her my life in the hope she will live again and we will be together forever.
In the second I'm out shopping with Zoe (my daughter, 7), we're inside a sprawling makeshift building with many rooms and staircases in every direction each with people selling everything you can imagine, things layed out on tables and colorful blankets. It feels like a carboot sale or market. Zoe is excited and difficult to control, I have to keep chasing her from place to place, telling her not to touch, telling her there are things she can't have or doesn't have the money for. My exwife is here but she doesn't look well, here face is tired and looks thin. She needs to find something but I'm distracted with Zoe and can't help her.
I wake, it's very early and I lay in bed crying and trying to clear my head. Sarah and miya are here with me asleep. I know I should wake them but I wont. The sounds of them sleeping are soothing and bring a smile to my face, Let them sleep, just for a little longer.
I'm ok, just dreams, I still don't remember them most days, I think that's for the best.
Bye Bye Russel
You've been with me everyday for ever, I love you, I can't take you with me, I wish I could. I'm sorry boy.
Made Redundant.
I've been made redundant (lost my job). Basically the company that I helped start, worked for months without pay to get going and have doggedly stuck with the last four years is fucked. Without downsizing the amount of space it rents and sacking 2 people it wont survive. The business has gone from employing 8 people late last year to 3 that will remain.
I kinda expected it as soon as the boss sat us all down for a meeting. Feel like I'm going to throw up.
Happy Travels Arthur
I'm deeply saddened by the news today that Arthur C Clarke has died age 90. Visionary just doesn't quite do his contribution to our lives justice. His works never failed to inspire my imagination. It feels like I've lost a friend I never got to meet.
2008 Blues :’(
I have no energy. I can't concentrate. I'm on the verge of tears all the time, one wrong word and I'm going to burst. I'm screaming on the inside and no-one can hear me.
I'm physically disgusting, trapped in a body thats not mine and making no progress with the NHS to get anything done to correct it. I'm dependant on the anti-depressants they do provide and buying my own HRT over the internet. It's a few months away from 2 years since I initially spoke to my GP about my gender, well over a year since I went properly full time (off my own bat), and I'm no closer than I was when I started (unless you measure progress in the amount of anti-depressants you're being prescribed). I feel like a freak.
I'm stuck in a job I have no feeling for anymore, taken 2 pay cuts since I came out and the boss refuses to use female pronouns. Just because its better than nothing. At least he stopped pulling me aside for wearing a skirt and makeup every other day and telling me my appearance is making staff members (him) physically sick. What hope do I have of getting something better.
I've not seen my daughter since xmas eve and I'm afraid I'm going to loose her. I want to have her this weekend but I've got a really bad cold and possible chest infection. There is no way I will risk her getting it from me.
I've loved and lost someone because she couldn't live with me being poly. I'm so sorry I hurt you, I never wanted to, never intended to. I can't think of you and not well up. I still love you and always will. Please forgive me.
My whole life is shit and I'm powerless to do anything about it. Thoughts of suicide run through my head everyday. I WONT BOW TO THEM. NOT NOW. NOT EVER. I'm haunted by the memory of a friend who lost her battle and died at the start of 2007. I wont go the same way. I can't. For Her.
Things can only get better. I have hope.
I've not had a cigarette in ages and don't need one.
My babies are coming to live with me from the US real soon. I miss them so much and its only been 2 days. I love you both more than I can possibly express.
I will be ok. Just a rough spot.
No Blackmail
My exwife (not yet divorced, just separated) moved out with her live in lover a little over 3 weeks ago and in that time I have seen my daughter twice. She has come over in the evening, slept the night and I have had most of the following day.
Its far from what I would like.
When they moved out, they took almost everything. I was left with the kitchen intact, a cheep dining room table thats seen better days, my own personal belongings including my bed and a garage full of rubbish that I am probably going to have to pay to have disposed of.
The one other thing they didn't take with them is half of the credit card debt which at the time of writing is about £3000 ($6000 US).
All the credit cards are in my name as for years I was the only earner in the house and realistically the only one of us who could get a card or five. She always had total control of all the money in our relationship , paying bills, all the buying and all the spending (to the point that I have had wage checks written out payable to her).
Items, shopping, whatever was paid for on the credit card as she deemed necessary and she was in full control of how much was repaid and when.
(Its worth noting at this point that we have had credit card trouble before and my mother came to the rescue and paid the debts off in full a few years ago.)
Today she tried to force me to accept an offer to cover half of the outstanding credit card debt.
She offered to pay back a certain amount each month for the next 7 months that would cover half the debt and interest during the repayment period. Put another way, I would be lending her half of the debt and retaining full responsibility for it as it would still be in my name.
I wanted her to either get a card of her own or a loan or whatever (I don't really care how she does it) and pay me half of the balance as it stands now. Effectively taking responsibility for half of the debt herself.
She refused to even contemplate that option and insisted that I accept her offer. I refused, asking her again to look at my suggestion. She then brought up the as yet unsettled issue of child maintenance, a totally separate issue that just happens to also involve money.
The implication was very very clear. Do it my way, or jeopardize your access to your daughter, and that in my book is blackmail.
I will not allow her to walk all over me, I do it now and it will happen again and again and again for ever. I want things to be fair, the debt to be handled fairly, my maintenance handled fairly and my access to my daughter handled fairly.
Is that to much to ask?