SL Wedding .. P A N I C !!
With only a week to go before Lilly and I are due to be wed in SL, the organisers we booked over a month ago have pulled out. Can't be upset with them as the owner has only just got out of hospital and is recovering from surgery, so all the best for her recovery.
We're just in a panic now, 8 days and a wedding to magic up from nowhere! HELP !!
Drifting Sexuallity
This is something that has been on my mind for a long time now, the ever present question of sexuality. Boys vs Girls, choosing and should I even have to.
I have always felt myself to be bisexual, well, bi curious until a few years back. Fear was without doubt the biggest thing that held me back during my teens, I told a close friend at college and the next day it was all over campus. Learnt the hard way that perhaps the company I kept wasn't as liberal as myself on such issues. A string of hetro relationships followed, that was ok, I liked girls, very much in fact.
Fast forward 15 years and the question was back in my mind, the desire to transition and be true to myself was strongly in focus after being buried so very deep for so very long.
My first intimate experiences with the male variety was a mixed experience in many ways, very enjoyable, but also wrapped up in the emotional torment of the time as one period of my life came to close and another opened.
Since then, though transition and HRT I've come to know many people online of both genders and a pattern has emerged. Most boys are potatoes (with a penis). I think this quote sums it up perfectly.
Ron, just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all do
~Hermione Granger
There are an exceptional few, one in particular comes to mind as I write this, I met him in SL while shopping for animations for the briefest of moments.
In ten minutes of normal conversation he took my heart in his hands and made it flutter. In ten everlasting minutes I was nervous, excited and enthralled. He was like a drug, cutting straight through everything I had ever thought about men, straight to my core and making it his, every part of my being erupting into light with a word. I have never felt so much so condensed.
He gave me ten whole minutes and then was gone. It felt like a lifetime and I don’t even know his name.
Girls on the other hand (transgender girls included) are a whole different world, emotionally deep and fluid, like a sea bubbling and frothing under the surface and for me, that makes it.
While it fits to say "I lust after boys, I fall in love with girls." its not quite how I feel.
It's the person that I fall for, everything else, height, hair colour, contents of knickers, shoe size .... secondary to the personality, the mind, the depth, individuality, what makes the person who they are.
It just so happens that most of the time, boys aren't even in the game.
Forgive me
You did nothing wrong, but there was nothing right that we could do, and I couldn't let my heart be torn open again. I broke the cycle and for ripping your world apart in the process I am mortified. I wish .. so many things.
Hate me if you need to, look forward now because you can, because I'm not holding you back, because you have to.
I will always care, and always worry, and always dream that one day you can forgive me. I'm crying, and when I think of you, I always will.
New Home!!
Well, I've moved into my new house. The bottom floor is all mine, just a couple of rooms, not to much space to rattle around in, It's small, but it's mine.
I'm glad for the independance, just wish it didn't feel so empty.
Where did all the jobs go?
I've been looking for work since I came back to the UK in August, signed up with several agencies, I must have sent my CV out hundreds of times by now and nothing.
On my CV my gender is female (of course) and have a small paragraph explaining that I am trans, no details, just as short statement of fact. I don't know if this is a bad thing or not, I just don't want to talk to a potential employer and have my gender become the topic of discussion or the only reason I am remembered.
Maybe I should leave it out, it shouldn't be an issue, but it always will be. The only thing I do know is that I'm still unemployed.
Getting By
Not blogged in a while, partly because I have little to write and partly becasue I'm generally lacking in motivation.
I made a recent return trip to see Ajen which ended being chased down the street by her dad, drunk, in nothing but his underpants. Seems my prescence wasn't entirly welcome. Someone wrapped up in his own little miserable bubble sought through lies to misrepresent me and my intentions.
As those of you who follow my twitter scribblings (in the margin of my blog) will know, I've had quite a rough time since returning. Mydepression has deepened as have feelings of anxiety. Reawoken by being back in the village where I was so often beaten just for being me.
Cumilated in a a recent trip to see the GP to get an updated prescription and to find out about the progress of getting my medical records from Crewe (which seem to have vanished into the either). I can only describe the anxiety attack I suffered over leaving my parents house as terrifing, irrational, groundless fear. It's been years since I felt so scared to venture out from the house and go to the village centre. (The last time was during the closing years of my secondary education and I was being attacked and bullied at least once a week, leaving the same house, in the same village).
In the end it took me several frought hours to get ready to leave the house and walk the 5 minutes down the road. By the time I got to the doctors office I was shaking, sweating and visably in a mess.
I am now on the highest dose of antidepressants since my world fell apart around me when I was woken to the need to change my life over two years ago. I am being refered on, to what, who knows...
I have been a little withdrawn into myself recently and I am trying to get out of my shell, thank you everyone for your patience. I will try to blog more as things happen.
Indiana Update
Just been to see Indiana Jones and was quite surprised, I was expecting to be blogging today about how George Lucas had finally killed my inner child (which he did batter to within an inch of its life with star wars *shudder) but I really enjoyed this latest incarnation of Dr Jones. Yes, Harrison Ford is getting old, but it didn't show. The plot stretches things just a little, but no more than any previous movie. Wouldn't mind watching it again to be honest.
In other news, we're about a week away from going up to Washington, really looking forward to getting out of the desert. I just don't understand why anyone would live in Phoenix by choice, suppose some people just like being trapped indoors / roasted alive on a daily basis.
The letting agency (VS Webb) I rented my old house from are refusing to return the deposit claiming the house was left in an appalling state because we left a couple of bits of furniture. The house wasn't clean when we moved in, the kitchen fell apart as soon as we looked at it (and we were even told we needed a new one several times!!) and on and on and on. Have to wonder what they expect from a damp vintage Victorian terrace. The deposit is only £350 so it's not worth the effort fight and get it back, I would spend more than that just getting a few legal letters sent.
Missing everyone back in the UK loads, hope you're all ok. We're in a terrible routine here at the moment, tend to sleep most of the day away and get up mid to late afternoon as it starts to cool down. Going to try and stay up and make some phone calls in the morning. Love to everyone :x
Oh, and if you ever wondered why teaspoons vanish from communal kitchens, there has been a study...
Miyabina Ann Susanti
Today we went to the courts for a name change hearing for Miya. We had to wait a while for the commissioner to get to name changes. Interesting (if not a little voyeristic) sitting in the court room listening to other people request restraining orders, typically against abusive men, or in one case a woman wanting a restraining order because she had argued that morning with her husband and suspected he was getting one against her.
Eventually Miya went up, said her old name for the last time, the judge asked a couple of the usual questions, pronounced her new name correctly and all done. Subway veggie delite after to celibrate (omg yum!!).
YAY !!!!!
BTW, it's pronounced mee-ya-bee-na :)
The Bondage Song
We went to the Marquee Theatre in Tempe to see London after Midnight, Bithday Massacre and Mindless Self Indulgence and had a great time! Drinks were painfully expensive but that's to be expected I suppose. Atmosphere was excellent with a great crowd, you could spend a whole day just people watching and I suppose that's what some do.
London after Midnight was the real surprise, only played for 30 mins right at the start and were simply stunning. Birthday Massacre were disappointing, I like the music but the show was poor and the lead singer was having a little trouble at times. Mindless Self Indulgence were something else, awesome music and crowd interaction, Jimmy Urine (lead singer) is mental ... clearly.
MistrsEvilKitten has put most of the show on youtube. London after Midnight have some of their stuff up here but not much and nothing from the other night. But Sean (pictured above) is just yummy... Can I keep him?
*hums* ...Close your eyes, open your mind, who do you blame, you're not the only one, on your knees, who do you please, who do you feed until I find another one...