Bradford
My daughter is over, the following started as a conversation with her and my mother after Dinner and I got to thinking and came up with this. It's not to far from the actual thing.
Me: My friend was in hospital and he died for 30 seconds. Heart stopped and everything, they they plugged the oxygen back in and everything started up again.
Daughter: So he was going up to heaven saw the light and was yanked back?
Me: Oh no, you don't go to heaven when you die.
Daughter: Where do you go?
Me: Bradford.
Mother: Bradford? Why not Heaven?
Me: Hard to believe inst it, both are such mystical places.
Daughter: Bradford!
Me: Afraid so, in fact, if you ever meet anyone from Bradford they are actually already dead. Nothing the dead like more than to play mind games with the living.
Mother: What about the other place?
Daughter: Yeah, what happens if you are bad?
Me: Fiji. Gets quite warm.
Mother: I know people who've been to Fiji on holiday.
Me: Let out early for good behaviour?
Daughter: You're crazy.
Me: I have the certificates to prove it.
Mother: I don't doubt that.
Me: Good! Wouldn't want you to think I was just making this up.
Daughter: [Blank stare].
HAhaahahahahaaaahhaa
BEST . STARWARS . TOY . EVER
I can't help to laugh when I look at this, it just never gets old.
Man Pants!
I love Conservapedia, dead-pan humor at its best. Take this essay about Women wearing pants.
The woman who pioneered women wearing pants was the actress Katharine Hepburn. She became rich and famous but never experienced a happy marriage and never knew the joy of having children. Her philosophy of life of being unfeminine resulted in her not fulfilling her purpose of life. We reap what we sow. There are consequences for actions. Women wearing pants is cross-dressing. It should be looked down on as much as men wearing dresses. The social experiment of feminism to destroy any sense of difference between male and female in the twentieth century has resulted in women wearing military camouflage fatigue pants and boots. The Bible says cross-dressing is an "abomination of God."
I'm so relieved I don't own a single pair of pants, but I can't help thinking about all the women who do. Please, donate your pants so they might be used to feed the homeless, save a whale or perhaps choke a passing conservative who actually believes this shit.
Chewiecide Manoeuvre
Traditional suicide can fail in about as many ways as you can dream to attempt it. The mounting risks associated with failure combined with modern medical advances make this once simple task a daunting undertaking.
It's with months of dedicated research and many fine volunteers we are proud to announce chewiecide!
chew·ie·cide (chū'ĭ-sīd')
n.
- The act or an instance of intentionally harassing a wookie as a means to killing oneself.
- One who commits chewiecide.
There are several recommended ways to accomplish Chewiecide. The following "chewiecide manoeuvres" have been carefully tested to ensure a maximum success rate.
Note : Failure to successfully execute a "chewiecide manoeuvre" will in most cases end in the same result.
Accidental Stomp : A good beginner move for the faint of heart. Walking along side your Wookie of choice, accidentally step on his toes. The Wookie will be suitably enraged and through careful apology you should be able to calm him down. Once you appear to have been forgiven and the Wookie looks away stamp on his foot as hard as you can and laugh. You should be ripped limb from limb momentarily.
Genital Juggle : This manoeuvre requires a certain level of nerve, but having your head pounded into your chest awaits a successful execution! Engage the Wookie in conversation and while talking keep glancing down to his crotch. After a couple of moments, crouch down and poke the Wookies crotch fur with a suitable implement (fingers are good), look up and ask "Are you a boy or a girl?"
Delayed Retaliation : The ultimate maneuver for those of you who just love to show off (some preparation time required). The first step is to find and befriend the hairiest Wookie in existence, this is an exceptionally risky problem in its own right, be carefull not to become a victim of premature execution. Once the Wookie is semi-trusting, consume several large pieces of chewing gum, masticate to an exceptionally sticky consistency and place in palm of hand. Give the Wookie a huge hug and stick the gum into the fur in the middle of his back. Your own demise will come when the Wookie finds out giving this manoeuvre its name.
Don't be afraid to try your own "chewiecide manoeuvres", failure is harder than you think!