Goodbye Inkland .. Hello Amelica!
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I'm writing this on the plane with miya looking over my shoulder, she's board (lawl), so please excuse a lower than normal amount of spelling mistakes, grammatical gaffs and general dyslexia.
After a few hectic days of packing and giving things away, the last 31 years of my life has been reduced to two suitcases, a laptop bag and a couple of boxes in my parents loft (mostly books). It has been heart wrenching at times to have to go through everything and decide what I would keep and what was sold or given away. To give an idea of the volume of stuff to go through; I was living in a 3 bedroom house, chock full of all the things you would expect. Of everything I will miss my kitchen and sofa the most.
Leaving the place I've called home for the last five years wasn't as hard as I had feared, maybe it hasn't sunk in yet. The people I loved there is another matter. Every room in that house has so many memories of us all living together, a constant reminder of days passed. Many times I've found myself lurching from room to room breaking my heart as the memories come flooding back. Being with my wife, the sound of Zoe playing, decorating with Daizy. Staying in that house for so long after everyone moved on has made their parting so much harder.
I love you all so much, not being near you is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I need to stop crying over what has passed and relearn to look forward.
We arrived at Manchester at 7am, a whole hour ahead of when we needed to be here due to problems getting a later taxi, then we find out our plane was delayed. Fast forward 5 hours and we finally got going an in the air. The flight has been uneventful so far (crosses fingers), the staff are nice and the meal was ok, soft and mushy, but good. The entertainment is dire, shared video screens that turn everyone a healthy umpa-lumpa orange, more static than sound over the headphones and no chance of sleeping. Ah well, could be worse.
We land in Atlanta in a few hours time, then some waiting, then another four hours in the air to Phoenix and I only have an hour of battery life left. Sigh, hopefully I can find some power and wifi when we land.
To be continued....
I’m Afraid
I've finally received the news I've been looking forward to and dreading, the date my exwife, boyfriend and daughter will be moving out.
When I separated from my wife, we were still very very close, there was no future together as partners but we still loved each other very much. We stayed living in the same house (although sleeping apart) so we could both be with our daughter, Zoe.
Early this year my wifes new boyfriend moved over from Germany to be with her, he is a kind and genuine man who we both get on with, so, while upsetting for me, having him in the house with us wasn't the end of the world.
Seeing my wife with her new lover wasn't easy and I shed plenty of tears over it, but we both knew we had to get on with our own respective lives and we all decided initially to live together and see how things went. I got to stay with my daughter and frankly that was all I cared about.
Our daughter got on very well with the new man about the house too. A bit too well for my tastes, and when the games started involving pretend family units, with a child, mummy and a daddy it broke my heart. Hearing her call someone else, even in play, the name that was once reserved for me was just to much. I spoke to my exwife about it and was offered no help, to paraphrase "if that's her way of dealing with what you're doing, then I'm not going to stop her from saying it".
To be fair, I had not to long before asked Zoe to call me "Trin" all the time, going out with her was becoming more and more difficult. I felt I was passing ok and not drawing attention to myself, until the little girl at my side said "Daddy". Then the whole world in my immediate vicinity would seem to freeze in time, everyone looking round with looks of astonishment or disgust.
So maybe it was my own fault, maybe she needed to call someone Daddy, and if not me, then why not her mums new boyfriend. I tried talking to Zoe about it and while she understood what I was saying, seemed more interested in pleasing her new parent. Thankfully she stills calls him by name, and while the games are still played and still as painfull, its not transfered to general use.
Over the course of the year my daughter has slipped away from me, I find I can't compete for her attention. When its just the two of us she is fine and we have a great time, when its not she will openly reject me. Her attitude towards me changes the instant her mum and lover enter the picture, happy and playful changes to embarrassed and hostile, almost like she has been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
I can't blame her, she has been through a very rough time with my changes and our separation, and clinging to the closest thing she has to a normal family is understandable. I wouldn't want to deny her the happiness she has found, I just wish it didn't hurt so much when she pushes me away. To be rejected by your own child is a special kind of hurt that never looses it edge.
In 5 short days she will be out of daily life forever. All of us living together and seeing how it went could never last long term and now this chapter has finally come to a close.
I'm haunted by fear of loneliness, the life only a child can inject into a house gone, empty rooms that echo with the ghost of better times, left over toys with no one left to play with them.
She isn't moving far, I will do my best to see her and have her over to stay as often as I can, but I have to wonder, will she want me to. What does the future hold for our relationship.
She has just caught me sobbing as I finish this post, I don't want her to remember me like this.
Family Matters
When my old life and the lies that held it in place finally crumbled a year and a half ago. I was terrified of telling my family, parents, wife, siblings, because I was afraid they wouldn't understand and would reject me.
My parents didn't understand or accept. They still don't. I doubt they ever will.
I talked and talked and talked with my Mum, sent her easy to understand information on gender dysphoria, gave a book (that she didn't read). She formed the conclusion that I was choosing to do this because I was depressed, not that this was the cause of my depression, that I was just gay, that I was throwing everything including my daughter away.
".. I wish you could have waited till your daughter was grown up, thats what most people do .... I don't understand why you have to push it in everyones face, the gay couple next door don't .."
It didn't matter what I said. The only thing that changed was she made every effort to call me by my old name and HIM and still does. We stopped calling each other, stopped visiting and for the first time in my life they didn't come round on my birthday (I only found out they weren't coming when I called them).
Since the initial coming out, contact with them has dwindled to the point of nothing.
I can understand just how hard this is for them to accept.
I want to reach out but feel I can't, its been over a year since I started living full time and legally changed my name, hearing my old name, the constant male references and having to say "I'm not gay!" just feels like a bat that i'm being hit with over and over again. The constant reminders of the old me simply push me back to the place I found myself at the start and wondering - would have been simpler if I had actually killed myself. I can't help thinking they would visit more often if I had.
In the very near future my wife, her boyfriend and my daughter will be moving out to a new home and a new life, and I will be left alone in the house. My worst fears that needing to be the real me have been realized. When it comes to family, I really have lost everything.
I know I will see my exwife and daughter again, and see them as often as I can. But it wont be the same. The empty silent house, the little inconsequential constant contact with my daughter will be gone. I know it has to happen and in some ways i'm looking forward to starting out on my own.
I'm terrified. I want my mum. I miss her so much.
(I'm sorry if this post is a bit all over the place, i'm crying so hard I have to keep stopping because I can't see the screen.)