Trinity Dejavu

Aside from HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve not got a lot to say really. I’m off the anti depressants, headaches and dizzyness have gone now and generally I feel more me than I have in a long time.

Christmas was ok, I just miss Miya so much, especially over the holidays. We are working on things and it’s getting better. I did get to spend some time with my daughter, so that rocks :)

The housing situation isn’t really going anywhere as everywhere is closed for xmas, hopefully things will move pretty quickly now we are in the new year. I need to be somewhere by the 18th of Jan at the very very latest or im under a bench someplace.

Lilly will be over soon and I’m so looking forward to seeing her, just hoping we will have somewhere to stay!

Finally, a couple of pics I took today in SL, been working on my house a lot and I think the new jail cell kicks ass.

I’ve been looking for work since I came back to the UK in August, signed up with several agencies, I must have sent my CV out hundreds of times by now and nothing.

On my CV my gender is female (of course) and have a small paragraph explaining that I am trans, no details, just as short statement of fact. I don’t know if this is a bad thing or not, I just don’t want to talk to a potential employer and have my gender become the topic of discussion or the only reason I am remembered.

Maybe I should leave it out, it shouldn’t be an issue, but it always will be. The only thing I do know is that I’m still unemployed.

Not blogged in a while, partly because I have little to write and partly becasue I’m generally lacking in motivation.

I made a recent return trip to see Ajen which ended being chased down the street by her dad, drunk, in nothing but his underpants. Seems my prescence wasn’t entirly welcome. Someone wrapped up in his own little miserable bubble sought through lies to misrepresent me and my intentions.

As those of you who follow my twitter scribblings (in the margin of my blog) will know, I’ve had quite a rough time since returning. Mydepression has deepened as have feelings of anxiety. Reawoken by being back in the village where I was so often beaten just for being me.

Cumilated in a a recent trip to see the GP to get an updated prescription and to find out about the progress of getting my medical records from Crewe (which seem to have vanished into the either). I can only describe the anxiety attack I suffered over leaving my parents house as terrifing, irrational, groundless fear. It’s been years since I felt so scared to venture out from the house and go to the village centre. (The last time was during the closing years of my secondary education and I was being attacked and bullied at least once a week, leaving the same house, in the same village).

In the end it took me several frought hours to get ready to leave the house and walk the 5 minutes down the road. By the time I got to the doctors office I was shaking, sweating and visably in a mess.

I am now on the highest dose of antidepressants since my world fell apart around me when I was woken to the need to change my life over two years ago. I am being refered on, to what, who knows…

I have been a little withdrawn into myself recently and I am trying to get out of my shell, thank you everyone for your patience. I will try to blog more as things happen.

After a long and tortuous trip I’m now back in England in one piece … well, physically anyway.

I’ve left heart and my home in Olympia. I miss Miya and Sarah so much, I’m trying to put a strong face on things but inside I’m screaming. I’ve not been able to get more than a few hours sleep at any time, if I don’t cry myself to sleep I wake racked with grief. I keep expecting to see them just walk in or when I look up from my laptop, and when I don’t it breaks my heart.

I don’t know how long I have to live in exile, I don’t know when I will see them again and its killing me.

Following my encounter with Garcia when I first landed in the US, I was worried he had put stuff in my file that would make future trips much harder than they should be. On the way back my fears were realised. My checked luggage was searched at every airport in the US I passed through, seems the TSA have me on their lists. I’m terrified I will try to go back to the US and find I’ve been red flagged, get taken for an interview only to be turned away and flown home. All because I’m trans and Garcia doesn’t like trans.

Being back in the village I grew up isn’t comfortable for me. Went out to the pub for a meal to celebrate my Dad’s birthday,feeling shattered and jet lagged I decided to walk home before everyone else. Big mistake. Walking the familiar streets home I felt more afraid for my own safety than I have in many years, more terrified than I have ever been at any time during my transition.

When I was a teenager I was beaten frequently for having long hair and looking girly, several times it happened as little as 50 metres from my front door. I remember being so scared that I wouldn’t leave the house on foot, and walking home has brought all those memories flooding back.

I know most of the people responsible will have moved on years ago, I know I shouldn’t be as afraid as I am, but I don’t feel safe here out alone. Don’t think I ever will.