Stupid +2
Woke up this morning determined that I was going to start afresh, get back into the non-smoker habit, and I did another stupid.
Every morning I walk to work through an ASDA superstore, and every day I manage to not buy cigarettes.
Only today, I just walked like a zombie into the shop and bought a pack, it felt like it could have been someone else.
Stupid +1
I'd gone all day with out a smoke, didn't even miss it. Then before bed I had a bacon sandwich and just had to steal one of my ex-wifes boyfriends.
I wish I had never ever started this stupid habit, if they ever come up with a cure it should they should give it to all school kids and stop the whole poisonous trade in one foul swoop.
Somebody kick me.
Stupid
I had been doing so well, the days were flying by and most of the time I didn't even think of cigarettes. I had quit, succeeded, all done. Then I have one craving after a eating the most fantastic Chicken Madras ever (cooked by my ex-wifes boyfriend), give in and go for a smoke. It was great. Of course then I had to have another at the end of the evening before bed, but that was ok. I wouldn't smoke after this, was just a little lapse.
HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN I GET
It's not like I hadn't fallen back into the habit this EXACT same way several times before, once you quit, that has to be it. No more, not one, never ever ever, because the moment you do, that's it, you're back on the wagon. Fucked.
Sure enough a few days later I had another craving in the evening and that was it, I smoked that evening, smoked the next evening, smoked all day the next day.
I'M NOT DOING THIS AGAIN
I am really angry with myself for being so stupid that I could think for even a second that I can handle a smoke, just an occasional smoke, social smoke, once every now and then smoke.
To really make matters worse I am self medicating.
I CAN NOT SMOKE AND TAKE HORMONES
So now I'm starting again, from scratch. It feels like it's going to be hell.
Slurm
I don't know if its me, maybe I'm easily addicted to things, maybe certain things are just way to nice.
Pringles are a good example, once you pop, you really really can't stop. Even after third of a can (Salt & Vinegar) when all the skin has been stripped from the roof of your mouth and every chip hurts, you have to force yourself to put the can down and grab a drink. The scary part is when you think about picking the can back up.
Chewing gum is a another, I'm fine until I have that first piece, after that im chomping it all day. Minty flavors are nice, but what really grabs me are Wrigley's Airwaves, specifically the Cherry and Black Mint ones. The crunch of the shell with the hit of cherry combined with the menthol just ...... mmmmmm!! But it gets better, the Black Mint tastes like pernod, I actually crave this stuff after a meal.
I never had a problem with gum till I tried to quit smoking and found out just how amazing combined gum+nicotine is. The pharmaceutical companies must be laughing all the way to the bank.
It's 11am and I've not had any gum today, the muscles in my jaw feel stiff and I can't bite properly. I really need to stop.
Slurm is soft drink from Futurama, and as I'm on the subject of addiction I should mention that I've not had a cigarette since I blogged about it - Go Me!
I’m addicted to nicotine.
I'm addicted to nicotine.
Started smoking in my early teens because a friend did and we all felt invincible. Everybody smoked, it was just something you did. I'm not addicted, won't happen to me.
You can't explain to a teenager what addiction actually means, the only way they can understand is after it's to late. So, despite all the no smoking propaganda in school, we smoked and were proud of it. I'm not addicted, won't happen to me.
Then we smoked because we needed it, scraping change together to buy enough cigarettes to last that day, pack of 10 between friends. Working rubbish jobs just to make enough money to smoke for the week. I'm not addicted, won't happen to me.
Skint all the way through college, smoking only because I could find enough money to buy me a pack of 10 in the morning. Looking round the house for loose change, borrowing from friends, parents pockets, anywhere I could get it. I'm not addicted, won't happen to me.
After college, things became easier as I jot proper jobs, could afford to smoke, thinking about quitting. Tomorrow, next week, new year, after easter, when they cost £5 a pack. I can give up anytime, I'm just happy being a smoker. I'm not addicted, won't happen to me.
Trying to quit, much harder than I ever expected. Feels like a hunger, cigarettes on your mind, all the time, need one, just one, can't concentrate, irritable. Failing and making excuses, had a bad day, try again tomorrow, I only had 2 today, I'm going to cut down first. I'm not addicted, I just need the right circumstances to give up.
Nicotine replacement therapies, salvation! Just wear this patch and you magically stop smoking, works for a while, then you have a bad day and take the patch off and spark up. Funny how you can go weeks without a real cigarette, take the patch off and carry on smoking as if you never stopped. Patches never work quite as well once you've realised how easily they come unstuck.
Chewing gum, much better than patches, much better than cigarettes! They really work well, you can chew it all day and not think for a second about lighting up. They work too well, you end up more addicted to the gum than you ever were to the cigarettes. If you ever run out of gum, well, a cigarette will do in a pinch till you can get some more.
Cold turkey, just stop, throw your cigarettes in the bin and hang on for dear life. If you can make day 3 you have it cracked. After that you just have to keep your resolve and not buy any more. Its hard, you fail, try again, never stop trying, because one day you might just make it.
Before bed tonight I am throwing all my smoking related things in the bin, a ritual I have undertaken more times than I care to remember. But this time will be different, I can feel it, I want it, I know I can do it.
I'm addicted to nicotine.