New Home!!
Well, I've moved into my new house. The bottom floor is all mine, just a couple of rooms, not to much space to rattle around in, It's small, but it's mine.
I'm glad for the independance, just wish it didn't feel so empty.
Not much to say…
Aside from HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've not got a lot to say really. I'm off the anti depressants, headaches and dizzyness have gone now and generally I feel more me than I have in a long time.
Christmas was ok, I just miss Miya so much, especially over the holidays. We are working on things and it's getting better. I did get to spend some time with my daughter, so that rocks :)
The housing situation isn't really going anywhere as everywhere is closed for xmas, hopefully things will move pretty quickly now we are in the new year. I need to be somewhere by the 18th of Jan at the very very latest or im under a bench someplace.
Lilly will be over soon and I'm so looking forward to seeing her, just hoping we will have somewhere to stay!
Finally, a couple of pics I took today in SL, been working on my house a lot and I think the new jail cell kicks ass.
Missing
Woke up this morning from a series of intermingled bad dreams, so many people, so many places, so many memories. Crying in my sleep and hard to hold it back now I'm awake.
I miss my baby.
I miss living for today and dreaming about tomorrow.
I miss riding shotgun with my hand on your lap.
I miss reading bedtime stories, pick two books.
I miss watching you sleep, your face next to mine when I wake.
I miss McClain and Tumwater, Pheonix and Jim.
I miss the stars on the ceiling.
I miss circle boy, hip cat, and the kitchen stink.
I miss hearing my name, I miss saying your's more.
I miss Wendy's and Denny's and Happy Meals with you.
I miss my independance, my time and my space.
I miss talking to you on my smoke break.
I miss your eyes and your smell, your hair and your taste.
I miss holding hands, your touch, your embrace.
I miss PST, RTV and ABC 1560.
I miss remembering and not crying.
I miss my baby.
Back in England :(
After a long and tortuous trip I'm now back in England in one piece ... well, physically anyway.
I've left heart and my home in Olympia. I miss Miya and Sarah so much, I'm trying to put a strong face on things but inside I'm screaming. I've not been able to get more than a few hours sleep at any time, if I don't cry myself to sleep I wake racked with grief. I keep expecting to see them just walk in or when I look up from my laptop, and when I don't it breaks my heart.
I don't know how long I have to live in exile, I don't know when I will see them again and its killing me.
Following my encounter with Garcia when I first landed in the US, I was worried he had put stuff in my file that would make future trips much harder than they should be. On the way back my fears were realised. My checked luggage was searched at every airport in the US I passed through, seems the TSA have me on their lists. I'm terrified I will try to go back to the US and find I've been red flagged, get taken for an interview only to be turned away and flown home. All because I'm trans and Garcia doesn't like trans.
Being back in the village I grew up isn't comfortable for me. Went out to the pub for a meal to celebrate my Dad's birthday,feeling shattered and jet lagged I decided to walk home before everyone else. Big mistake. Walking the familiar streets home I felt more afraid for my own safety than I have in many years, more terrified than I have ever been at any time during my transition.
When I was a teenager I was beaten frequently for having long hair and looking girly, several times it happened as little as 50 metres from my front door. I remember being so scared that I wouldn't leave the house on foot, and walking home has brought all those memories flooding back.
I know most of the people responsible will have moved on years ago, I know I shouldn't be as afraid as I am, but I don't feel safe here out alone. Don't think I ever will.
Brrrr!!! It’s FREEZING :D
Ok, so this update is a little late but I wanted to get my pictures up to go with it and I've been bogged down with SL5B (more on that in another post).
We left Pheonix about 10pm Sunday for Olympia, the car was packed to the gills and we still had to leave quite a lot of stuff behind. The route was very simple, west to the I5 and then North.
The intention to get through the worst of the desert during the night. It was boiling anyway, I am so glad we didn't do that during the day when it's over 120F. We split the driving into shifts, one drove while the other slept, my job was to make sure they were always awake at the wheel!
California is a boring place. Its flat and mostly made of yellow.
We ran over a plastic cup or something on the freeway and it fley up into the engine bay and ripped through some wires. After one stop to replace blown fuses (that promptly blew again) we pulled up besides a Texaco gas station for a rest. I couldn't sleep in the car so got out and put a blanket on the ground and it was a good job I did! Spotted wires hanging from under the car!
Had to pop the hood and tape the broken wires off. Fixed the short so the fuses didnt blow again, thankfully it was just the front side indicator and screen wash pump that was affected. Just as we were finishing a state trouper swung by (seems those inside had called the cops), he was happy enough that we were finished and about to leave :)
We arrived in Olmypia in the early morning. 30 hours driving total with only a few hours stopped when we had to. Went to Walmart, Sarah's parents house, sleep.. sleeeeep .... sleeeeeeeep.
Indiana Update
Just been to see Indiana Jones and was quite surprised, I was expecting to be blogging today about how George Lucas had finally killed my inner child (which he did batter to within an inch of its life with star wars *shudder) but I really enjoyed this latest incarnation of Dr Jones. Yes, Harrison Ford is getting old, but it didn't show. The plot stretches things just a little, but no more than any previous movie. Wouldn't mind watching it again to be honest.
In other news, we're about a week away from going up to Washington, really looking forward to getting out of the desert. I just don't understand why anyone would live in Phoenix by choice, suppose some people just like being trapped indoors / roasted alive on a daily basis.
The letting agency (VS Webb) I rented my old house from are refusing to return the deposit claiming the house was left in an appalling state because we left a couple of bits of furniture. The house wasn't clean when we moved in, the kitchen fell apart as soon as we looked at it (and we were even told we needed a new one several times!!) and on and on and on. Have to wonder what they expect from a damp vintage Victorian terrace. The deposit is only £350 so it's not worth the effort fight and get it back, I would spend more than that just getting a few legal letters sent.
Missing everyone back in the UK loads, hope you're all ok. We're in a terrible routine here at the moment, tend to sleep most of the day away and get up mid to late afternoon as it starts to cool down. Going to try and stay up and make some phone calls in the morning. Love to everyone :x
Oh, and if you ever wondered why teaspoons vanish from communal kitchens, there has been a study...
Home Sweet Phoenix
We arrived very smoothly at Phoenix airport and were very quickly off the plane and meeting up with miya's sister and brother in law who had kindly come to pick us up. Nipped out for a quick smoke while we waited for our baggage to come down and went from feeling ok to drained in a few seconds upon leaving the air conditioned building.
It's hot here, very hot, very very very wall-of-heat hot. The temperature outside is in the low 90's at times so you spend your day running from one air conditioned oasis to the next. But I digress...
We just about managed to fit the 5 of us and luggage in the car and drove to miya's parents house where we're staying for the next month, the only thing that stuck with me from the journey was how cold the air conditioning was and how big all the cars and trucks are.
I was a little aprehensive meeting miya's parents and very aware that after 25 hours on the move how frazzled we all were. miya's mother is wonderful and I just hugged her as soon as I walked in the door. After some introductions we dumped our bags and all went out to Dennys for some proper solid food.
The next couple of days are a bit of a blur, between not sleeping much and traveling round shopping I'm not sure what happened. We've eaten out quite a bit, drove miles between shops and bought a car. Jet lag sucks.
Phoenix is mostly beige and consists mainly of cacti, scrub and rocks. Mornings and evenings are cool, during the day you just bake. Everything is a lot cheaper than in England.
It's great :)
Garcia to Phoenix
Landing in Atlanta was bouncy on the way in, but there is nothing like the feeling when the plane stops on solid ground. The plane is running late but we have a few hours before our connecting flight.
The next two hours were probably the worst of my life. Because of the length of my visit without a visa (89 days, right up to the very limit) and not doing the usual tourist thing - my passport was placed in an orange folder and I was taken for an interview. There were about 20 people waiting for their entry to be cleared when I arrived, a single desk with two immigration officers and voices that carry.
An hour later my turn came up and I ended up with officer Garcia, who, having watched knew to be a slime ball. He wanted to know why I didnt have my return plane tickets (that you don't get till you check in on the day your're about to fly), what I was doing in the US, why I didn't have enough cash in my purse to last 3 months, who I was staying with and on and on and on.
He decided to rummage in my bag and look through all the photo's on my digital camera. Not good. I had foolishly not deleted all the pictures before I flew (some of which were VERY personal). He took the camera to the back room, ten mins later he invited a collegue to come in and have a look, ten mins later he came out still looking!
Decided to look through my laptop but thankfully I don't think computers were his thing.
Then he found my change of name documents and birth certificate and his attitude went from bad to downright sour. Eventully after a lot of typing he said..
"Against my better judgement and as its your first time here, I'm going to let you enter the US"
OMG - SInce when did entering the US depend on a clerc's better judgement!! I really hope all the shit he has typed on my file doesn't impact future visa requests.
I was in shock. I took my stuff and got out of there as quicly as I could to meet up with miya and Sarah. It felt like my world had just split in two and half of me was going back to the UK.
I never never never ever want to find my life in the hands of some random guy again.
The rest of the journey I was drained, on the flight to Phoenix was next to the emergency exit and it was drafty, spent the whole trip with miya curled up in my lap dozing. Next stop Arizona.
To be continued...
Goodbye Inkland .. Hello Amelica!
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I'm writing this on the plane with miya looking over my shoulder, she's board (lawl), so please excuse a lower than normal amount of spelling mistakes, grammatical gaffs and general dyslexia.
After a few hectic days of packing and giving things away, the last 31 years of my life has been reduced to two suitcases, a laptop bag and a couple of boxes in my parents loft (mostly books). It has been heart wrenching at times to have to go through everything and decide what I would keep and what was sold or given away. To give an idea of the volume of stuff to go through; I was living in a 3 bedroom house, chock full of all the things you would expect. Of everything I will miss my kitchen and sofa the most.
Leaving the place I've called home for the last five years wasn't as hard as I had feared, maybe it hasn't sunk in yet. The people I loved there is another matter. Every room in that house has so many memories of us all living together, a constant reminder of days passed. Many times I've found myself lurching from room to room breaking my heart as the memories come flooding back. Being with my wife, the sound of Zoe playing, decorating with Daizy. Staying in that house for so long after everyone moved on has made their parting so much harder.
I love you all so much, not being near you is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I need to stop crying over what has passed and relearn to look forward.
We arrived at Manchester at 7am, a whole hour ahead of when we needed to be here due to problems getting a later taxi, then we find out our plane was delayed. Fast forward 5 hours and we finally got going an in the air. The flight has been uneventful so far (crosses fingers), the staff are nice and the meal was ok, soft and mushy, but good. The entertainment is dire, shared video screens that turn everyone a healthy umpa-lumpa orange, more static than sound over the headphones and no chance of sleeping. Ah well, could be worse.
We land in Atlanta in a few hours time, then some waiting, then another four hours in the air to Phoenix and I only have an hour of battery life left. Sigh, hopefully I can find some power and wifi when we land.
To be continued....