I had been doing so well, the days were flying by and most of the time I didn’t even think of cigarettes. I had quit, succeeded, all done. Then I have one craving after a eating the most fantastic Chicken Madras ever (cooked by my ex-wifes boyfriend), give in and go for a smoke. It was great. Of course then I had to have another at the end of the evening before bed, but that was ok. I wouldn’t smoke after this, was just a little lapse.

HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN I GET

It’s not like I hadn’t fallen back into the habit this EXACT same way several times before, once you quit, that has to be it. No more, not one, never ever ever, because the moment you do, that’s it, you’re back on the wagon. Fucked.

Sure enough a few days later I had another craving in the evening and that was it, I smoked that evening, smoked the next evening, smoked all day the next day.

I’M NOT DOING THIS AGAIN

I am really angry with myself for being so stupid that I could think for even a second that I can handle a smoke, just an occasional smoke, social smoke, once every now and then smoke.

To really make matters worse I am self medicating.

I CAN NOT SMOKE AND TAKE HORMONES

So now I’m starting again, from scratch. It feels like it’s going to be hell.