I’m addicted to nicotine.

Started smoking in my early teens because a friend did and we all felt invincible. Everybody smoked, it was just something you did. I’m not addicted, won’t happen to me.

You can’t explain to a teenager what addiction actually means, the only way they can understand is after it’s to late. So, despite all the no smoking propaganda in school, we smoked and were proud of it. I’m not addicted, won’t happen to me.

Then we smoked because we needed it, scraping change together to buy enough cigarettes to last that day, pack of 10 between friends. Working rubbish jobs just to make enough money to smoke for the week. I’m not addicted, won’t happen to me.

Skint all the way through college, smoking only because I could find enough money to buy me a pack of 10 in the morning. Looking round the house for loose change, borrowing from friends, parents pockets, anywhere I could get it. I’m not addicted, won’t happen to me.

After college, things became easier as I jot proper jobs, could afford to smoke, thinking about quitting. Tomorrow, next week, new year, after easter, when they cost £5 a pack. I can give up anytime, I’m just happy being a smoker. I’m not addicted, won’t happen to me.

Trying to quit, much harder than I ever expected. Feels like a hunger, cigarettes on your mind, all the time, need one, just one, can’t concentrate, irritable. Failing and making excuses, had a bad day, try again tomorrow, I only had 2 today, I’m going to cut down first. I’m not addicted, I just need the right circumstances to give up.

Nicotine replacement therapies, salvation! Just wear this patch and you magically stop smoking, works for a while, then you have a bad day and take the patch off and spark up. Funny how you can go weeks without a real cigarette, take the patch off and carry on smoking as if you never stopped. Patches never work quite as well once you’ve realised how easily they come unstuck.

Chewing gum, much better than patches, much better than cigarettes! They really work well, you can chew it all day and not think for a second about lighting up. They work too well, you end up more addicted to the gum than you ever were to the cigarettes. If you ever run out of gum, well, a cigarette will do in a pinch till you can get some more.

Cold turkey, just stop, throw your cigarettes in the bin and hang on for dear life. If you can make day 3 you have it cracked. After that you just have to keep your resolve and not buy any more. Its hard, you fail, try again, never stop trying, because one day you might just make it.

Before bed tonight I am throwing all my smoking related things in the bin, a ritual I have undertaken more times than I care to remember. But this time will be different, I can feel it, I want it, I know I can do it.

I’m addicted to nicotine.